Unraveling!!

Hi Lani, I am so sorry you are going through this when you most need support. 

I contacted my Breast Care nurse and got a referal to a psych who dealt with BC, this was free for six visits if your doctor prescribes it.  Previously I had been to a general psych who didn't seem to 'get it'. Also your BC nurse should be able to put you in contact with social workers who can help you emotionally and with practical issues.

A big cyber hug, you will get through this, use this site as support and remember you are wonderful and special. x

Lani
Now is not the time to be proud. Ashamed about what? You have nothing to be ashamed of. You need all the support you can get from family and friends! Tell them and allow them to take care of you.You should not and do not need to be on your own during this difficult time.
All the best and get to a place of peace and rest as soon as you can.

Hi Lani, You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's your partner who should be ashamed. What a bleep. (better not swear on this site.) None of this is your fault - remember that. It's not your fault you are sick and you are not responsible for the way he is behaving.

 I know you must be feeling terribly vulnerable now and humiliated by his rejection but do think about telling your famiy and/or a friend. I'm sure they would want to help you out at a time like this.  And give the bc pscyhologist a go too. I haven't used the service but I'm sure it would be worth a try - it's got to help at least a little to talk through the situation with someone supportive. And as Kato has said they might be able to help you out with some practical advice as well as the emotional side of things.

Some people just don't deal well with this. I read some of these posts about people with lovely supportive husbands and feel a little envious. My husband has played down my cancer diagnosis and treatment big time. It's no big deal as far as he is concerned and I feel like I'm expected to just carry on as normal as much as possible.  It get's me down sometimes too.

Take care Lani, I am thinking of you and I am hoping you get the love and support you need right now. You will get through this. Janet.

Oh Lani

That is so sad and so unfair, where is your partners compassion at a time like this and when you need him to step up to the plate for you and be supportive.  I just don't get it sometimes.

I totally agree with Christine, now is the time to call on your loved ones, family and friends and let them be there for you.  You can't be expected to get through this time on your own, you need love, support and some caring.

I have always found the BC nurses to be so wonderful and understanding to our needs and they should be able to point you in the right direction and get you some assistance and refer you for psych support if you need it.

Dont be ashamed, dont do this on your own, reach out for help.  I hope your partner comes around and starts to show some compassion at this time.

Wishing you luck, keep us informed so we don't worry too much about you luvy. Wish there was more we can do for you but we are here for you as the best we can.

Big supportive hugs coming you way, take care of yourself.

Mich xoxo

My breast care nurse had a link to the  physchiatrist service at the Mater in Brisbane.  But I found talking to the counsellor via the cancer council phone line was so helpful I didnt need to follow up the physchiatrist services.  Perhaps they can help you as they did me.   Where are you located? 

For me, I have found one of the most difficult parts of undergoing the whole "BC journey" is the surrendering of independence and asking for and accepting help.   Whilst I dont know your circumstances, if you can, tell your family. Relationship stuff happens all the time, at the moment you need a bit more support than if it happened a year ago and your family would have supported you then, I think they would want to now. As a mother and sister I would want to know so I could help. Nothing to be ashamed of in needing or asking for help. I am sure that you would extend the same care if you were asked or knew it was needed by a family member or friend.

Be gentle on yourself.  You are not alone. 

Oh Lani,how awful for you.It's hard to imagine your partner could be so cruel. Do you think it was in the"heat of the moment" to tell you to go? The girls are right -you need love and support from your family while you are so vulnerable. Tap into all the available help -your breast care nurse or gp can direct you (and your partner?) to counselling. Is there someone you can stay with for a few nights ? I am so sorry this has happened to you right at a time when you need your partner the most.Your pink sisters are thinking of you so let us know if you need more help.

                                          Tonya xx

Oh lani - I was saddened to read your post. It is not fair at all off your partner - he is supposed to be caring for and supporting you. I agree with the others - now is not the time to be proud - talk to your friends and family - let them help and support you. Lean on them.
I do hope things get better for you. Right now it should be all about you and getting better.
Feel free to drop me a line if you need to talk.:)

HI, I too have had little to no support through this god awful journey, although my husband hasnt asked me to leave so that is a bit different, he has not once asked me how I am not even when I was in hospital, I had a visit once from my friends of 30 years and havent heard from them since, that was over 6 weeks ago, I it hard to feel alone and isolated but a small silver lining is we are all here for you even if it is only to vent and get a little comfort, we are you in the country, if anywhere in country vic I would be happy to make a trip if even just to talk

Cheers Narelle

thank goodness for every amazing lady that responds and posts to the blogs For people who dont have support at home this extended family are the most beautiful bunch of non judgemental people what a honour to be part of such a great group.                         warmest of hugs to all adean xxxxxx

Hi Lani,so sad when I read your post.I have used the psyc services and it really helped.Sometimes it's good to talk with someone who you don't know.
You must tell family and friends,cause there's no way you should have to go through this with no support.
Us girls are always happy to listen,and remember your not alone,you are strong!You are fabulous!
Take Care Sorelle. Xoxo

Hi Lani

It's the new kid on the block.  Of course we are going to fight with our partners!  This is stressful, life changing, confusing - the list goes on and on.  But, at this point in time their job is to stand there and take it!  My sister who normally questions or challenges me has clearly stated "Sue, if you need for me to stand on my head in the corner all day, then that is what I will do".  That is called "support".  We didn't ask for this.  Any man who can say that to a woman going through this has no soul and no moral compass.  That being said you are better off without him.  I totally agree with everything the girls are saying.  Talk to family and friends - tell them  you need them.  People in your life just have to step up! 

You need all your strength.  Talk to every psych professional you can get your hands on.  This is your life, your journey, take charge of it and choose who you will let in. 

Love Suzieq xxoo

How totally shattering - you poor darling. Reach out to your family and friends, don't feelashamed for that. What for ? Because you are sick ? Did you ask for it ?

I feel so privileged to have a husband who would gladly take my cancer himself if he could, and constantly asks me what he can do to help. And a 19 yr old son at home who has become a mother hen - doing cooking and washing and housework without being asked, just to help. I can'timagine being without their love and support, I would be a mess.

What a loser your partner is - if he is ever in the same boat maybe he will learn what it means to need love and support.

Use whatever services are available to you - people are out there who can help, let them.

love

magcimum

Oh Lani
Oh sweetie, big hugs and cuddles to you...
Of course we have fights, everyone has fights,but you work things out and move on.We are so emotional since being diagnosed with BC, our moods swing day to day. Partners, husbands, family and friends need to understand and accept.
You need to let your family and friends know, what's happening, to help you get through and support you.
Please don't feel ashamed, if anyone should be ashamed, it is your partner. You are strong, beautiful, courageous and a damn fighter. Donot let this get you down.....
Pull the strength and courage from the ones who want to help, that's where your true friends are.
Luv and big hugs. Julie xx

Oh baby I feel for you. Just when you really needed the support of you partner he goes a throws a wobbly.... xxxx him!! 

For support try the Cancer Counselling Hotline (13 11 20) and your breast care nurse. What about your GP? Secondly where are you from? In Queensland we have the Kim Walters Choices program that we can access for heaps of help and support... is there anything like that in your area? What about local support groups? Personally, I find the best people to talk to and seek help from are those that are going through what we are going through or have already been through it... but most importantly you have to tell your family.. even if it's to tell them little bits at a time... you have to be number 1 at the moment.. your physical and emotional heath are the most important....

take care and please call a friend....

love

Trina

Thankyou for your kind words!!!! Have an appointment next week and in the meantime have been speaking to the cancer counselling hotline!! 

Finally after a few days of misery we had a chat... This has bought up a lot for him..  lost his wife to this ten years ago and dont think he really wants to go through this again.... He is going to help me get my own place and help  get sorted and do the right thing before the treatment begins!!.... Has told me that he doesnt want me to go.... but its too late.... One thing I have realised about myself is that its always about everyone else and how they feel... Didnt want to tell friends and family because i didnt want them to think bad of him! Tough!! done the compassion and understanding thing all my life and could do it on my head....

So I'm changing the rules now.... I'm making changes in my life that suit me from now on!! This whole experience is one big learning lesson (-;

Good on you. Keep up that fighting spirit. xxx

Well there you go!! Well done. Not easy, but a HUGE insight.
He understamdably has his reasons, but it is about YOU now.
One of the emotional components of the breast cancer recipe.........putting ourselves last. It is one of the "positive"things about cancer: that it gives us the opportunity to review our life, relationships, work etc Then we can prioritise what's imprtant to US and make that the basis for living a healthier life with less stress and more self-nurturing.
All the best to you during this difficult time and hoping you get the support you need from family and friends. Remember they can't support you, if you don't allow it.
Hugs

Your a very wise woman!! Can i keep you haha!!! xxx

Well done Lani,It's time to nurture yourself to good health.....mentally and physically.Take Care Chicky.xoxo

Congratulations Lani... I went to a young women's session the other night. They talked about ways to incorporate hope and optimism in our lives. We were asked to think about what we have that we value or things we are hoping to change... what is and will be important in our lives now that we have been touched by BC... It made me think... most importantly I want to surround myself with people I care about and who care about me... the 'real' people in my life.... they are the one's that count. I don't have time for anything else... nor do I want to make time.  It's when something like this hits us that we re-assess our lives... congratulations you are on your way... one step at a time, with the occasional hurdle!!

take care and be selfish... do what you want!!

love Trina

Hey Lani

Well done luvy, looks like things will work out okay for you in the end.  It won't be easy for you to get through this as it never is for any of us whether we have support or not.  I am glad you have been able to work it out and are now on amicable terms with your fellow.  Obviously it has brought the fighter out in you so that is one positive from this whole thing and you can run with that.

You will need help.  I found I mainly needed some help for the first few days to a week after chemo and then I managed to get through as best I could for the rest on my own most of the time.  We learn how to deal with it the best way we can.

On a happier note, my daughter had her 19 week scan and it is confirmed she is having a pink one!!!!!! and all is well so far so that is wonderful news for us all. 

Well done, keep your chin up, use the help out there when offered or ask for help if not forthcoming, like you say now is when you need the love and support that you have been handing out to people all your life.

LOL

Mich xoxoxo 

Hi Lani
I really feel for your situation. It's not easy having to deal with a break up but it's probably best that's it's happening at the earlier stages of your treatment and you know exactly where you stand. I can relate to the shame too - I'm not sure why, but I get it. I've covered for my husbands lack of interest too but lately I've decided I'm not sugar coating it anymore - why protect them? We are the ones that need protecting! Look after yourself xx

I think one should never underestimate how difficult it can be for partners to get where one is, after a cancer diagnosis. They are also afraid - for many reasons - and very often feel absolutely helpless, not knowing or understanding what they can do to help or support.
I think we have a responsibility to initiate discussions and express our needs. If I had not asked my partner, and handed over a DVD with instructions on it, I would not have received the most blissful foot massages. Book a couple session with a counsellor or psychologist, get resources from the Cancer Council. But don't assume anyone knows what to do for you......ask them and communicate.
And in the end remember, that for most of us, this is a lonely road only we can tread upon. But we can choose how we do it.

Hi Lani,

I thought I would jump in and see how you are getting on? I hope you were able to sort things out with your partner and pull on the support of those around you -- to get through this tough time.

It looks like you have heaps of support from the online network so shout if you have any questions.

~Daina

Hi Lani

Hope it is all working out for you as we are all thinking of you and hope things have fallen in to place.

Wishing you lots of good wishes, good vibes and comfortinig hugs

Mich xoxo

Hi Lani,

I was not married or living with my boyfriend and he promised to be there for me, but then decided that "he needed time to himself - I'm not going off to be with other women"  To then be repeatedly down at the female neighbour's place.  I yelled at him and now I have an IVO against me.  He did over $2,000 damage to my car, but because I yelled first I have the IVO.  All that resulted in me being more upset bitter and depressed and he just visiting the neighbour freely.  All I did was verbally abuse him.

I have undergone several sessions of counselling prior to the incident, and am now seeking to find more counselling. 

I am so incredibly hurt by his cheating and lack of concern or respect for me through the whole journey.  He did partly support me with cooking and running me to 4 of the six chemo sessions.  However when doing radiotherapy, could not be bothered to even come and say welcome back when I drove home for the weekend some 270km.  Too busy with that neighbour.

Some said he had difficulty with my diagnosis, and I understand that its difficult for men particularly to share their feelings.  However I gave him a copy of the "When the woman you love has early breast cancer" CD and he I don't think ever bothered to even listen.

After all of this its over 17 months since we split and he is still visiting the neighbour.  I stopped the other day while they were both in her front yard and said to them that I thought they were both "Scum" and "what a low act".  Of course because I have the IVO they threatened to call the police.  This is a case of IVO being used inappropriately.

I still care for him deeply despite what he has done and would at least have liked to have had us both attend counselling.  I had tried many many times to get him to talk and be open and honest about the whole relationship issue (many times before and definately after my diagnosis and treatment).  I can't make someone care for me if he doesn't, however, I feel that he will again contact me in the future.

Does he truly not care that the diagnosis and treatment is time for him to be there and man up? 

Anyway, I just wanted to share and let you know you are not alone.  I hope things have taken an positive upward turn since your last post.  Sadly there are many many people who just simply are lacking consideration and concern along with genuine honesty.

I got diagnosed two years ago this month and the journey has been emotionally draining for me because of the relationship issues. 

Sorry to make it sound about me, but in all I understand where you are coming from.  Good Luck and I hope you know in all of this you are not alone.  :)

Hi Honey,  Counsellors expect return appointments.  They would go out of business otherwise.  Try to talk to him again.  It sounds like he was very good for you and you do sound more positive.  

You will get there.  You are a lot stronger than you believe.  I have justs had my second round of chemo and want this to be over so badly.  I will talk more when I am able.  Love Suziexxx

Hi SuzieQ,

Best of luck with your chemo, I hope that it is a great success with minimal side affects.

I have sourced another counsellor a female this time, and have had one session.  I will see where this takes me.

Thank you so much for your support.

Ronica

Hi Lani,

Like the others, I was so saddened with what you are going through!  I went to see one of the oncology psychs at RPA hospital in Sydney but found her not to be the one for me, so I saw a bereavment psychologist who was also free to attend.  She was also a breast cancer survivor so she knew about it from that side too.  My husband was good but my teenage children-3 of them were not helpful or particularly kind.

Your husband probably hates himself for what he has said to you, but may not know what to do, but in case he does mean it, tell HIM to go not you!!

Best of Luck,

Julia