Ok. I'm not fishing for a compliment, nor do I want or need someone with lovely intentions to give me any kind of excuse for how I'm feeling about this, but I am merely using this as a place to say it - I feel soooooo hideous.
Compared to my usual self (slim, long hair, not great posture but no Quasi Modo either), I am a troll right now. The hair on my head is almost gone, and yet a gross layer of patchy stubble remains. My face has puffed up and feels full of pressure. The good news is that my face IS so puffy it has filled out some wrinkles. Yee hah.
My jowls are hanging down, with the doughy hammock of my double chin joining each side to my big moon-face.
Adding insult to injury - I have gained weight. I don't know exactly how much, but I am starting to fill out like a rugby player. And I can't help it. I am eating when I'm hungry and not neglecting myself, as I just think my body has enough to deal with right now without having to lose or maintain my weight too, so I'm just eating what I want and letting it all happen, but it still feels like a rip off to be gaining so much weight already.
I guess I'm about 1/2 way through my chemo journey (unless the oncologist says otherwise when I see him on Thursday due to the fact that the Taxotere has been cancelled because of reactions...) so I suppose that's some kind of consolation. Does anyone else feel hideously not themselves???
Comments
Poor darl!
I'm getting a mental picture of uncle Fester but I'm sure you can't be that bad. When I first lost my hair I thought I looked like an alien.Then I got an itchy scalp and couldn't stop scratching and so was covered in scabs.In my striped pjs,I looked like I belonged in a prison camp. I sometimes made the mistake of dressing in front of the mirror and with a missing boob,bald head and puffy face,I thought I was the bride of Frankenstein.I would often have a cry and wonder where"I"had gone. These are all normal feelings Joey.We have all felt the "ugly stick"whack us in the face whilst having chemo.A good cry helps but then you soon realize that now your face is red as well as puffed. The puffiness and weight will go down after chemo so just eat what you feel like- healthy stuff if you can. You WILL get yourself back but in the meantime: pile on the makeup and stay away from mirrors!!!
love Tonya xx
Oh yeah!
Did you read my blog fat bald and yuk?
Know exactly where you are coming from
Xxx
I can so relate...
Yes, I also feel hideous! I feel like a giant puffer fish! Like someone has pumped me up with a bike pump! lol! Shocking isn't it? Celeste♥
To look/feel better...
So... I went to my GP this afternoon to have the Zoladex assault its way into my tummy fat (berrrrrrr!) I have known him for 10 years, so he knows me well, and he has given doctor's orders that I should get myself a wig. He said he could tell how bad I felt about my appearance, and that hair is a lot more important to a woman ("crowning glory" he called it) and that I should just go out and get one. I do know I feel a bit better when I'm wearing my really nice scarf. The problem is that I've had such terrible hot flashes lately that I sometimes cannot handle having anything on my head at all. I rip it off and start fanning madly. As I am about to do.... right..... now :( He also suggested that I have the stubble shaved off. It will be more pleasant to be completely bald and shiny than have this ridiculous stubble mocking my hairlessness at every passing by my reflection.
I still have my boob (most of it, but there is now a drop off point, like a cliff where I imagine all the little cells meeting together in their Breast-Cancer-Fuschia-pink onesies, shouting 'weeeee!' and plunging into the warm pool of fluid that is still pretending to be the missing bit of my boob). The boob-straight-jacket contraption they gave me to wear is the most depressing garment in my collection. I'm not a make-up wearing person and the last time I wore a pair of earrings my earlobe swelled up to the size of a pea. I did buy a sun dress a few days after I was diagnosed. It's vastly different to anything else I have, and I love it because of that fact.
I guess what I want to know is, where is the balance between being a patient and being a woman? I don't have a partner (getting a divorce) and I feel nothing more than an androgenous blob of chemo-laden flesh with bristles where my pride and dignity used to be.
Look Good Feel Better workshop
I've now booked myself in to a Look Good Feel Better workshop on 26th March (I think). And my friend who had breast cancer (and is about to finish her 5 years of hormone therapy in April, YAY!) came over tonight and gave me her wigs and scarves to wear until I don't need them any more. I'm starting to feel a bit better (she always makes me feel better any way because she cracks me up!)
So I think I've got a plan. The anxiety about my appearance and what my appearance means (oh look at that poor chemo woman) will be dealt with by use of the lorazepam stuff they gave me. Maybe now I can start to get to sleep a bit earlier. And with LGFB in my future and a bit more of a grasp on wigs and scarves thanks to my far-more-fashion-savvy-than-I friend, I can have a bit of hope that I won't always look and feel this way.
Has anyone out there done the workshop before? I don't usually wear makeup but I do usually have hair, so it seems like a fair swap at this stage in my life. What's it like?
I didn't get to go but I believe it's a hoot and you get free makeup. Yes Joey,go the makeup and the Lorazepan!- whatever gets you through this difficult time. I think losing your hair is underestimated. It's a big adjustment but,like everything in life,you get used to it after awhile.Doesn't mean you have to like it though.I'm so glad you have a friend who understands and is there for you. You will soon work out what headgear feels comfortable for you. I got alot of caps/hats from online www.headcover.org They cover your whole head and you don't feel like such a "chemo patient"when you go out.They are quite cheap too and get delivered to your door.Sounds like you'll be over the ugly virus in no time!
love Tonya xx
Haha, a chemo patient, oh I loved smiling back at people with their stares and sympathy, made me laugh inside a little as at least I knew what my ailment was, they have no idea.
Seriously the LGFB session is great and yo do get some great hints, free make up and skin care products, if you think your appearance is bad now wait until the chemo farts start, now that is something to behold ( and let go )!
I honestly thought I was going to die (and sometimes wanted to) with the TCH but I'm done with it, the 20kgs I put on is coming off very quickly and rads are finished so just 9 more Herceptin and I'm outta here. Looking back you forget how really bad it was but at the time you are just trying to survive and you will my dear, you will, so all the best and enjoy the different you, she is the same girl just different ( temporary ) model.
Cheers Cheryl
Hi Joey
Hello,
I have done the look good..workshop and it was amazing how many wonderful products that you get. You can also try on wigs and other hair coverings and learn how to put on eyebrows!! The staff are fantastic and it does give you a feeling of being pampered for a few hours. Hope you enjoy it.
Julia
Hi Joey
I also did the LGFB workshop and it was a hoot! I really enjoyed it and I ended up being the class model for hats and headwear! I received stacks of expensive makeup for free, and had loads of fun (especially with my warped sense of humour!).
Hope you enjoy it too!
Celeste♥
Wig and makeup
I went wig shopping today with a good friend. It was fun, but albeit confronting. I left with a wig that is completely unlike any 'do' I've ever had, but I was determined to make it work for me. I've tried it on several times tonight, and finally realised my glasses do not match it and, above all, my face. I needed makeup. So I have attacked myself with the mascara (which I bought along with all my makeup for my wedding, 7 long years ago - yes that is how much I wear makeup), and came up with this result. I must say, aside from a headache (and a touch of eye strain!) I'm pretty happy with the result. It wasn't the wrong purchase at all, just the wrong way of working it! I don't feel quite so disgusting now!
Wow, how beautiful Joey! You look amazing! Thank you for sharing, Celeste♥
Lovely shot,
it can be fun to see how you can look with a new perspective, enjoy messing around with make up as I did and I'm not a big wearer but love it now and am an expert at eyebrows and eyeshadow at the moment as I have no eyelashes, lol.
Cheers,
Cheryl
love the wig
Hi Joey
I love your wig it looks great on you, i have 4 wigs with all different looks , it can be fun to wear them,but yes like you i found i needed to wear makeup with them.I got mine on ebay for under $20 each brand new ,delivered from china ,they were exactly the same as the ones i saw for $200 + at wig shop.
Pip :)
Wow!
You look hot Joey.
Tonya xx