This is my facebook Post marking the 12 month mark of my diagnosis with Breast cancer. I am not one for informing the whole world of every little detail of this disease. So much is kept personal and private. Few truly understand the pain of dealing with secondary cancer - really only those who are or have been there themselves know. While I often seem positive and cheery - it takes concerted effort to pick myself up out the the puddles I mention - at times they feel like vast bottomless lakes. Currently I am swimming if not fully dancing again - won't be long though. There is a new drug for Melanoma now available in Australia - they have had nothing for years - if I last long enough - maybe there will be something for me? I just can't ever lose hope and while I am living and still have blood pumping through my hear, I will have hope and try to make every moment count.
12 months on and I am still learning to 'dance with the devil' as the Chinese say.
In the past 12 months I have been disfigured, lost all of my hair, lost my fingernails and toenails, had a throat and oesophagus so ulcerated I couldn't eat and was bleeding internally, had numerous infections, fatigue, chemically induced menopause, delightful digestive symptoms I'm too polite to discuss (!) and I am drugged to the eyeballs 90% of the time.
I still wake up everyday and think "crap! I still have cancer", but then I think - but right now I feel great so 'on we go'.
I am learning to dance in the rain, rather than waiting for the storm to pass. I stumble and fall into the puddles sometimes and it can take me a while to get back up. I nourish my body with good whole foods, I meditate, I try to exercise (!), I love being in my garden, I do the school runs, the homework, parent teacher interviews, reading stories, swimming, music and more - I love being with my kids and Brendan. I live a mostly normal life. I love being a mum and wife. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love creating images and reading good books.
So while I am doing the tango - I try to get the most out of each day.
There is still no cure for breast cancer but this year I will turn 40 and I can't think of anything better to do than celebrate being alive!
Amanda xx
Comments
Congratulations Amanda!
Hi Amanda, congratulations on your 1 year anniversary! Gosh what a year its been for you! You've been through so much and yet you continue to shine and inspire us all...thank you for being such a brave warrior.
You are right, only those who are in this predicament can truly appreciate what it's like...the losses and the sacrifices, and yet the extreme joy and thankfulness that we are still alive to watch our children grown and experience living.
You talk about hope, and I recently read this comment regarding hope that I'd like to share with you...
"Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage… Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it… Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction….
Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return… it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places…
Never lose hope… "
Thank you for sharing your reflections of the past year and congratulations on making it through with such determination and courage! Heres to many more wonderful years to come, and of course a cure to breast cancer asap! Love Celeste♥
Hi Amanda
Hard to believe a whole year has passed since you were diagnosed. That's a long time to endure all the treatments thrown at you.I am amazed that you are still smiling in your pic - which,I might add,is lovely.You are a beautiful person inside and out.Your blog highlights that it's the simple things in life which give us the most pleasure.I love reading your blogs because they are straight from the heart and so articulate.I hope you publish a book one day.I also hope that you have many more years ahead to enjoy your family and the simple things in life.I imagine you will celebrate your 40th big time!
love Tonya xx
Beautiful Words
Hi Amanda,
I agree whole-heartedly with your words. I too feel happy just to be alive and spending time with my family. All this crap somehow reveals the true meaning of life and love in a way we couldn't comprehend before. I also agree that early breast cancer patients like myself cannot appreciate what it's like to have advanced breast cancer. Even though I've had two separate breast cancers 10 years apart, with all the associated chemo, radiation, surgeries etc, they have not spread and it makes me feel guilty to be so lucky. It seems like such an unfair lottery. I know that one day, I may hear the news that my cancer has returned somewhere else in my body, but I don't know how it would make me feel. I get lots of comfort and encouragement from reading the abc girl's blogs because they prove that where there's life, there is hope. One of my old italian neighbors was chatting to me one day when I was feeling down in the dumps. She said, "Don't die while you're still alive Jane", and it sparked me on to try and enjoy every single day. Your attitude to life inspires me greatly Amanda. I wish you and your family lots of happiness! xx Jane
Hi Amanda
Your blogs always fill me with admiration for the way you handle and conduct your life. You are an amazing person so focused on your family and getting on with it! Your determination will ensure you have a great 40th and that you celebrate in style.
Love Sarah x
Anniversary
Hi Amanda, wow can't believe it's been a year. You have been through so much. I too love the way you write. I also love your profile pic beautiful lady. Keep up that swimming & dancing & if you fall in a puddle we will all be here to pull you out again.
Luv Loretta xxx
To Amanda & Celeste
I am so pleased to read both of your recent posts. You both sound up-beat, positive and ready to fight again
I also had a "stumble into the puddle" recently . I looked for posts from each of you for inspiration as you always show such strength and courage. I was horrified to find you were both having pretty much the same scary ride I was having with progression of mets.
Thanks to both of you for sharing your stories with us all. Let's continue to enjoy being alive
Justine xx
Hi Justine
Yes, let's all continue to enjoy being alive! We are so lucky to have this site where we can share stories and lend a 'helping hand' when needed on this sometimes scary ride! Hope all is going well with you, take care Celeste♥
Hi Amanda
First anniversary - may there be many, many more.
Let's all keep hoping and dancing and know that we are all here for each other.
Amy x
Hi Amanda,
That's the first one down. Here's to many more. It can be done there are a lot of ladies on here who have had advanced even longer than me.
Keeping you rlife as normal as possible is one of the most important things to do. It is something I insist on. My girls thought I was such a hardass( hope Ididn;t offend anyone) while I was in hospital as I made them still go to their casual jobs as I feel it is important that they know the world still keeps turning.
I know you get down and I love that you can find sanctuary in your photography. You inspired me to go up to the local duck pond tonight and I sat on the pier taking photos of the storm coming across. It is very calming to do that.
As you say, every year we can hang on brings us closer to a cure or even new medications. Fingers crossed for everyone.
Take care Amanda and don't forget we are only a post away. Fingers crossed for you and your family.
Take care.
Tracey xx
Thank you everyone - this rollercoaster is not so much fun hey? Sometimes it is difficult to make sense of - actually all of the time.
Justine - I'm sorry that you too are dealing with progression. I hope your current treatment is holding things at bay and you are feeling ok.
Tracey - you are my inspiration - you keep on keeping on.
Amy - I think of you and your little ones often - we can go through this supporting each other.
Celeste - you know how I feel a link with you. We will keep on - we have kids to see through school.
It's been a pretty rough day though as found out that one of the girls I met on the Gawler course passed away on Friday - less than 2 weeks after finding out she had secondaries. a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son - I find no justice or fairness in that at all. She would have turned 45 on Friday.
I have cried a river of tears for her and her family today. I have no tears left.
Tomorrow I will keep on keeping on - because I have to.
Love and light and peace,
RIP Sharon
Amanda xx
Hi Amanda, I am very sorry to hear about your friend and can imagine how devastated this has made you feel. It is a totally heart wrenching situation, and it really hits home when we can relate to someone who is in a similar situation to us (ie: similar age, children's ages, secondaries etc). Having said that, while you will be grieving the loss of your friend, I can only imagine how frightened you must feel too...please gently remind yourself that we are all different and our cancers are different too.... Take care and stay strong, Celeste♥
Hi Amanda
I was so sorry to read about your friend. She (like us) was too young to go, and it seem so unfair to her family.
But let's all keep fighting this together - she would have wanted you to try and stay focused on being here for as long as you can.
Take care
Amy x
Thinking of you.
Hi Amanda, Just sitting at my computer thinking about you and all the others. What about if we all send an e-mail to one of the current affair programs and they do a story about you and others . It will make more awarnes , and may get a lot of support from it.. Big Hugs Debbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Amanda,
That is very sad about your friend. I lost a friend back in January. She had been clear for 10 years then developed lung problems and secondaries back in August last year. She was admitted to hospital in January wth more lung problems and had 3 heart attacks and passed away at 43. Even though I didn't know her that well, we compared stories felt a connection and had kept in touch. I met her while studying for a certificate so that we could hang onto our jobs this year. Since she passed away I have re-evaluated and realised that I am not happy in my job. I love working with the kids but I can't be bothered with the politics of it anymore.
It is hard when someone passes away and I like you cried a river of tears for this lady. It is so cruel this disease or any disease for that matter.
Keep on fighting as hard as you can and I will keep on fighting too. Sometimes it is not easy and we question ourselves, (I am tending to do that at the moment), but we find our way back and get on with it.
Thinking of you Amanda and hoping all settles for you soon.
Take care.
Tracey xx
Hi Amanda
Hi Amanda, lovely photo of you and your post.
You explain things so well and from the heart. There are others on here also who do that.
I hope you get to publish something soon and also reach 40.
Yesterday, I too went for a lovely swim, in the ocean at Bridport. The water was a green/ blue colour and clear. It was very enjoyable to tread water for half an hour, or more on the high tide, whilst chatting to a friend. The hills in the distance to the south, the rocks by the shore, the other people enjoying the warm weather, the gum trees, dry summer bush smells and native grasses growing close to the waters edge, were a pleasure to savour in the late afternoon.
Sincerely, Kathy. OX
Hi Amanda. I am new here - I'm 42 with two boys in primary school. I just wanted to send you (belated) congratulations on your 1st anniversary, my deepest sympathy about your friend, and a big cyber-hug. I hope you splash the hell out of those puddles during your 40th year.