Morning ladies
It's been a rough week. Started great with a chat to the plastic surgeon about my reconstruction and no worries about doing this after radiation. Then chemo, but anaemic so also followed up the next day with a blood transfusion. I also had this pesky little lesion growing on my Left breast (mastectomy side) which appeared after my first chemo and initially was put down to a skin reaction, then some dodgy post op skin with poor blood supply but the sucker started to grow. So Thursday brings a biopsy and still hopeful words from my surgeon.
Last night though, my surgeon is in my living room telling me the lesion is cancerous and seems to be the same type as that taken out. Why it is growing while I am having chemo we do not know - it could mean chemo is not working and cancer has also spread elsewhere. So today I am off to Peter Mac for a PET scan to see if it is showing signs of being anywhere else.
I am sitting here, not having slept more than about an hour all night, waiting for them to phone me with a time for the scan.
There are too many ifs, buts and maybes dependent upon today's results (God I hope they can fit me in today - waiting the weekend would be torture) but at the very least it is more surgery and a likely change to my treatment. Radiation is a definite now and there are all sorts of chemo options.
I feel like I've been flattened by a truck - and the taxotere hasn't even hit me yet - that pleasure awaits me this weekend. For the first time in this "journey" (a word I have been reluctant to use) I am really frightened but I am trying to stay focused on one step at a time and not let myself wander off too much into the what ifs.
Please say a little prayer if you do or if you have any spare send a little positive energy my way today - every little bit helps.
Amanda xx
Comments
Oh Amanda I hope they can fit you in today, waiting the weekend would be torture for you. You will be in my thoughts today and I am sending you as much love and support as you need.
Stay strong
Cath xxx
with you
Hey Amanda , with you in spirit and sending hugs. it just goes on and on doesn't it . it all becomes so hard at times. but there is a light and no it's not a bloody train ha ha .
we are all here for you goodluck xx Fran
Thinking of you
Hi Amanda,
I hope all goes well with you to day. Prayers are with you and sending you good vibes. Many many hugs.
Take Care
Chrissy D :) xoxo
hey lady
How are you doing?
Hugs and tears
Dear Amanda,
After wiping away the many tears from reading what you are going thru, I sit here wondering what words I can offer to help heal, comfort and support you.
As you say it is a journey, we are all here in spirit with you.
I send you strength and hope and courage - a hug filled with white healing light to support you and keep you positive.
Sending you all my energy & positive thoughts... Hope u get in today! Will pray for you also....
Thinking of you
Oh Amanda my heart goes out to you.
I have just read your blog lovely lady.
I can only imagine how you are feeling right now.
So sorry you now have something else to cope with!
Praying for and thinking about you for sure!!
I really hope you get seen today and at least know where you are at.
You have been a wonderful source of support and encouragement to many on this network and we are very much behind you and here for you too!!
Deep breaths and hold on tight x
Take care
Debsxx
Hey Amanda, you definitely have all of my positive energy and thoughts, and best wishes for your scan. Thinking of you.
thoughts are with you
Oh Amanda so sorry to hear your news. Thinking of you today & sending you LOTS of positive vibes xoxoxo
Amanda
Lots of hugs, prayers and thoughts are headed your way.
You have been a rock of support on this network and so now take some of that energy for yourself.
Would telling them they'd have to deal with a Tasmanian if they don't get you a scan today help????
Take care, Dette xxxx
setback
What a rotten setback for you.You have been so brave and positive so far.It's such a mongrel of a disease isn't it.Fingers crossed your scans are clear and then you are just dealing with a local cancer again.I will pray for you tonight. Have a cry but stay hopeful.
luv Tonya xx
Thoughts Are With You
I shed a tear for you as I read of your setback. Stay positive....keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the scans are all clear and the lesion is local.... ((hugs)) to you
Take Care
Cheryl
Hang in there ... lots of hugs & positive vive your way
my thoughts are with you
Thank you
Thank you all. Unfortunately it is bad news for me - no other way to coat it. I have secondaries on my lungs, a node in my neck also. Game changing in a big way.
We are shell shocked. I had clear scans before chemo so this has grown while I have been on it. Chemo is not killing the cancer. Now we just have to hope to control the cancer and stop it spreading and learn to live with the disease og term.
To say I don't know what to do with myself is an understatement.
Thank you again for your support.
Amanda xx
Thinking of u xx
No Amanda I can't believe it - just so unfair makes me upset and angry all at once.
I have been thinking about you all day - will continue to pray for you and your family as you face this news.
It sounds like your surgeon is in your corner so will trust the team will work with you the best steps forward with a changed treatment plan.
We are all here for you when you need to download etc. As hard as it is try to take one day at a time.
Sending lots of love and cyber hugs to you beautiful lady. xxxxxxx
Aw, Amanda -- so not the news you wanted. I'm sure you're all shell-shocked but just remember you still have good and positive times ahead of you. Sending all my love and best wishes.
Feel for you
Hi Amanda
I'm so sorry to hear your news. You have always been so positive and it's just rotten that this horrible disease seems to attack such lovely people. I also have secondaries (in my bones). I have been on hormone treatment (tamoxifen) for about 3 months but my markers have been up and the cancer seems to have spread through more of my bones. I have to go for another scan on Wed but it looks like we'll have to look at changing my treatment and I'll have to have more radiation for pain management.
This is an awful time for you as you try to absorb what is happening. I found the Hopes and Hurdles pack really helpful. I spoke to the breast care nurse on Wed and my oncologist today and they both agree that I should see a psychologist to talk things over. I hate to burden my husband and I think it will really help to talk to someone who is removed from the situation.
Amanda, I am sending you all my positive energy and vibes. I really hope they can find a treatment that will keep everything stable for you.
Love and hugs to you and your family
Amy xx
Thanks Amy
I will get onto the pack thanks Amy. We are shattered but trying to be a little normal for the kids. I love my husband and my children so much and I am going to put them through so much pain and leave them without their mother - that pains me more than the thought of what is ahead for me. It's just so bloody unfair... I agree with getting help and "they" are sorting that out. We have big decisions to make. None of our family live here, my husband has a very busy job - we have three young children. We need to take it a step at a time and try to live life to the fullest which I am struggling to contemplate this morning.
The sky is blue and the sun is out however so I am going to distract myself with my garden for just a little while.
Amanda x
Children
Hi Amanda
The children are what I find the hardest too. I have 2 little ones - a girl nearly 4 and a boy 2. I just want to hold on for as long as I can for them. I will fight as hard as I can and I know you will too.
I hope you enjoyed the garden today.
Amy xx
I'm shocked
Oh Amanda I'm so sorry as well as shocked. I cant believe the chemo has done nothing. All that pain and misery for nothing. It makes you think if chemo does anything besides wreck your body.
I'm sending you all my love and hugs. l hope you are coping ok.
BIG HUGS'
Chrissy D :) xox
Oh Amanda I'm so sorry! You have been such a wonerful source of strength and advice to so many of us here, now I hope we can do the same for you. Know that I am here for you anytime and that you are in my thoughts. I don't know what else to say but I am sending you all the love and strength I have to help you through. Stay strong beautiful lady.
Cath xxxx
Shock!
Oh Amanda!!
I am so very sorry & shocked at this news. Cyber Hugs & lots of positive vibes headed your way as you and your family deal with this latest hurdle and your medical team come up with a new strategy to fight this disease...don't give up - we are all thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers....
Cheryl xxx
I have just jumped on and read your update Amanda and my tears are streaming down.I can't believe it.What a hard weekend for you and your family. Just know that we are all thinking about you and praying for you tonight.
luv Tonya xx
You are so loved
Hi Amanda, I have only just seen your blog. So shocked to hear your news. I am sending all my positive vibes to you. You are such a wonderful and beautiful person who has helped so many others. This disease is such a b..........It is always lingering. Each of us would think that whilst on treatment it is held at bay. No we can't have that luxury. I told my Medical Oncologist yesterday that I would never have chemo again. He said never say never. I told him that I would need a lot of convincing and is he the man to do it? After reading your story, I am staying with my gut feeling. We are all guinea pigs as there is such a diverse range of bc. It is so out of control. I am saying a prayer for you Amanda. I know with your strength you will get through this hurdle. On the form for my next lot of scans my surgeon has mentioned metatastic bc. It scares me to bits. My scans before chemo were clear as well so let's see what the next ones bring. None of us can let our guard down - not for a minute. I hope from all the comments you feel the love that we are all sending to you - you are so special. XLeonie
thank you
Thank you everyone - I can't say much at the moment. I'm hurting too much but I want you to know your kind words and thoughts mean the world to me.
Amanda xx
One step at a time
Dear Amanda
I've just read your blog and I feel so sad. This is one major hurdle but you can get over it! You have a great team around you - doctors, nurses and loving family and friends. Let the doctors take care of your body, let family and friends look after your home and you look after your mind and spirit. You have been so strong so far, you have a great mental attitude. The Dalai Lama says that a calm, affectionate, wholesome state of mind has beneficial effects on our health and physical wellbeing. Stay grounded, stay calm and take it one step at a time.
You will jump this hurdle!!!!!!
Sending you my love and prayers.
Ann-Marie xxxx
It's just not fair
Dear Amanda, I write this with tears running down my face & am so so sorry that this has happened to you. It's just not fair! To think that only a few days ago you were deciding on radiation & now this. . .makes you question alot of things about this treatment we are on. . .makes me scared too. sending you all my love & I will keep praying & sending those positive vibes.
Loretta xoxoxo
DOUBLE BUGGER
HEY Amanda , hope your a little better today this is just all so much for one person to endure i feel so much for you. i am praying for you and got everything crossed that all will work out good. ,with you in spiorit and sending strength. take care.
We all need to have hope
Hi Amanda, Been thinking about you a lot. Let's send you hope. From the statement you made about your surgeon coming to your house - that means you definately have good professionals on your side. These people will do everything in their power to help you. Thought I would give you some hope by telling you this story. My friend has secondaries in her heart (in the peri cardium) It was diagnosed last November. She was very ill and had to have a drain put in her heart to relieve the fluid. She has had quite a lot of chemo treatment since then also and will continue to have regular chemo treatments. However, as we speak she and her husband are in England visiting relies and having a holiday. She is back paddling in the dragonboat, has seen her eldest son married in December and is looking forward to seeing a grandchild some time soon. My friend has just turned 63 so is not a spring chicken like yourself who has lots more to fight with. Her first diagnosis was at the same time as my first - 4.5 years ago. There is always hope and much good life to live. We are all with you Amanda and sending you strength to get you through this. XLeonie
THIS IS SO CRUEL
GOD Amanda. i am lost for words. i wish i could be there to hug you and support you more. the tears flow freely for you and your family. are you anywhere near mansfield ???
i was bought up a good little catholic girl but over the years have had quite a few occasions to question what God does or why. my mum use to say Frannie every thing happens for a reason and we grow from this. .....BULLSHIT > sorry mum but what can we learn from this and what is the reason,
i feel your fear but also your strength. this is a poem i was given by a friend don't know who wrote it but it is so true. hope you like it.
the rainbow.
if i could catch a rainbow,i'd do it just for you
to share with you it's beauty, on days your feeling blue
if i could build a mountain,you could call your very own
a place to find serenity, a place to be alone
if i could take your troubles, i would toss them in the sea
but all these things i find ,are impossible to me
i can not build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
but let me be what i know best afriend who's always there.
_______________________
just for you girl. sending you love and strength.xxxx
Thinking of you
Hi Amanda,
I have been thinking about you since reading your blog on Sunday. What a dreadful shock for you all. I really don't know what to say to you, other than you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you well.
What treatment plan will your medical team put you now?
Chris xxx
Nooooo!
I just jumped on here and read your post Amanda! It's just not fair! How I wish you had had a different outcome....
I really hope that they can find something to knock out those nasty cancer cells and get you back to being healthy again soon. It's going to be a fight but keep that positive attitude that we know you for and fight!
Take care,
Louise x
Sending Love
Dear Amanda - I have only just read your blog and I am shocked. I don't know if words could express my feelings, suffice to say if I could I would give you a big hug right now, I am thinking of you and pray the news gets better, all my hugs and a whole lot of love to you and your family x x x Josie
Just caught up
Hi Amanda
Just caught up with the blogs and just want to say how unfair life is at times I am so shocked about your diagnosis and have sat here for a while trying to get my head around how things can change. You have been a great support to so many ladies here (me included), just wish I could give you a great big hug and have a cry with you. You are a strong lady and will fight this all the way with a whole army of pink ladies behind you.
Thinking of you and your family
Love Sarah x
cry away girl
Amanda nothing we say can express how we all feel for you and you family. ,
i dont know where you are based so cant visit if you need a biiiiiiig hug.
if you need time out don't forget the otis foundation have free holiday homes for BC people and families to use. in vic and sa. i have done one and it is great ,
we are all shedding tears with you and the strength we are all sneding . mmmm make that sending would help if i could spell. take care and we are all here for you all, Fran