I didn't care what type of cancer I had, or the technical details, I left that to the people who had spent all those years at Uni to know all of that.
I had the initial reaction of panic, fear, and devastation. We get so self involved in the unknown, and the fear, it is simply an overwhelming event that no one can ever be prepared for.
Soon after I began chemo I got the slap in the face realisation that at a breast cancer conference of 200 women, a lot had more than one experience. I recall thinking, give me a break, this is my first, I am having enough trouble coping with the first time.
I got very fussy headed during chemo, and hated the side effects, avoided the public because I didnt want to catch anything extra, and prepared all my own food, not trusting of others hygiene.
At times I got frustrated and at times I cried and felt sorry for myself. Most of the time I just couldnt believe I had been removed from my life at a stage I felt well, and was totally unprepared for any of it.
For a while I got caught up with wanting to know what percentage of a chance did I have to survive, and realise after a while that no one had a crystal ball!
I was exhausted at the end of it and was very grateful to have had that year off, with lots of afternoon sleeps right up until the 11th month.
I went back to a 20 hour a week, basic job. A friend of mine on the other hand went back to a demanding 50 hr a week management position and is struggling. Rest, and pace yourself.
Going back to work has had its own struggles, it's not all open arms and understanding by everyone, but in time, we adjust.
I have decided not to focus on "What if it comes back", and to live the rest of my life as I did before - career focused, busy, and lots of things to do!
They say our mental attitude is as important as our diet. As a message to those who havent had a lucky time, or are struggling on an off day, or didn't get good news, I am mindful that cheeriness can annoy some at times, and I respect that too. I understand that this post isn't every ones story, I do know however, it is only mine.
Love Bel, after all, it is human nature to fight til the end...............I expect that to be 100 and smiling!