My name is Donna I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 aged 36, my partner Jacqui (Jac) and I have been on an amazing journey since and we would like to share a part of that story with other couples that may feel they are alone which of course you are definitely not.
Donna: During a routine GP visit my doctor found a suspicious lump in my left breast. I was so unconcerned I recall saying "What's that, I have a lump, nah, nothing to worry about, I'm on holidays I'll deal with it later". Jac and I had only met six weeks prior and had just arranged our first holiday together, the last thing on our minds was a mammogram. But persuaded by my doctor I booked in to a place near our holiday destination.
Jac: I knew something was wrong when it took so long, then Donna called me "They've found something" my heart sank. I think I was in shock: how can this be?
Donna: Once the diagnosis was confirmed back in Brisbane I went into auto mode, "Right - have to get everything in order" this included in my mind Jac. I thought this is not what Jac signed on for why would she want to stay around, I mean this is a new relationship, it's meant to be full of emotions of excitement and passion, not shock and fear. Plus the disfigurement: how would she handle that, how am I going to handle that? I recall saying "I understand if you want to go, I really do", but on the inside I was hoping she would stay. "why would I go?" Jac said with a stunned look on her face and she has been my tower of strength ever since. The very thing I thought would push us apart has strangely pulled us together. It's like it has accelerated our relationship for the better.
Jac: I also remember this conversation. Deep down I was concerned that I would not be able to look after Donna, but I knew I would do my best. This turned out to be all that was needed. Plus I learnt to cook.
Donna: When I came out of surgery after my left side mastectomy and recovering in my room I remember opening my eyes and seeing Jac asleep in a chair. A nurse came in and as she was leaving I could hear her say "That person is still in there, they can't stay, we'll have to tell her to leave" in my sedated state I went back to sleep but kept waking up to check if she was there. Jac stayed all night I couldn't believe it sleeping in a small chair. I smiled: she must love me.
Jac: I had no idea what the nurse had said and frankly she didn't have a chance in hell of moving me.
Donna: I was lucky enough to have a 'secret couple' two young nurses looking after me and they would spend most of their free time in my room chatting to us and our friends, they would tell us about what the 'homophobes' were saying about 'those girls' "she's on her bed you know". We just laughed, I am so glad they were there I really think it would have been a much lonelier experience and I can't imagine what I would have said if they told Jac to leave. It's hard to imagine in this day and age that people are still so bigoted.
Donna: That was really the only negativity that we experienced due to being gay. I suppose we are extremely comfortable with our sexuality, and therefore I didn't find it difficult in talking frankly about my treatment options with Jac present and to the credit of the doctors they have treated Jac with great respect. Funnily enough the reconstructive surgeon actually asked Jac what she thought of the implant and how big it should be, Jac cupped her hand and said "This big is fine". It was a magic moment as it normalised the situation.
Donna: I think people assume that because we are both women that we have some sort of in-depth knowledge of what the other is feeling, this maybe is the case in with some but I have found that we are still individuals who cope with things in our own way. Jac and I have been through the roller coaster that is breast cancer and believe me it has not been easy. Lucky for us we have a very strong relationship but at times I feel I have all the support and Jac has limited support. This is why with the amazing support of Kim Walters Choices program we have been able to establish a 'women who partner women' support group, my hope is that Jac can chat to other partners of breast cancer survivors and express some of the thoughts that she may feel she can not express with me.
Jac: I remember feeling slightly isolated with no one to talk to, I mean no other gay partner, it's not the same talking in a husbands' group, men and women are different in many ways, so I think the 'women who partner women' support group will be an amazing resource for women in my situation.
--Donna and Jacqui
