It was only five days after my husband and I got married on 28 Oct 2006 that I had my left breast and 22 lymph nodes removed. We had actually decided to marry a few months before my diagnosis and ended up delaying my operation by a week with encouragement from my surgeon so we could get married as planned.
Fortunately it was a small casual wedding with only close friends and family, as it was very emotional for us and for the guests. We both insisted that the subject of cancer and my impending operation was not discussed on the day and for a brief 24 hours we just celebrated our love for each other.
The honeymoon was definitely over once I had my operation. My wonderful mother in-law, who had travelled interstate for the wedding, stayed for the first two weeks after my return from hospital and was a much needed support for both myself and my husband. At 41 I had never before had an operation or had more than a winter cold or flu, so undergoing a mastectomy was a bit of a shock. I don't know what I was actually expecting but it certainly opened my eyes to whole other world. It wasn't so much losing my breast and how that made me feel as a woman, it was more the feeling of helplessness and having to depend on my husband for everything, and I mean everything. Welcome to married life, you now have a very big annoying appendage that you have to care for 24/7 - how romantic. Not quite how we thought our first few weeks of married life would be when we decided to get married.
That was the beginning of a very long six months of treatment. Throughout the treatment it was very difficult to imagine that there was ever going to be an end to it all. Our lives seemed to be comprised of endless visits to the hospital, ongoing injections and invasive treatments, (I have a fear of needles, joy) and long periods of isolation. Yet, my husband always managed to stay positive and make me laugh and smile. He never seemed to let it get to him. We agreed early on to allow each other to talk about our fears and this frightening new reality openly, not to bottle it up.
Sometimes, many times we would just hold each other and cry ourselves to sleep and somehow he managed to get up look after me and go to work the next day, ring me throughout the day to check on me and remind me to take my medication. I was living on another planet, I did not find this intrusive. At the time I thought he must be superman, he didn't talk about it with mates or his brothers in fact some of them found it all too hard and stopped ringing and he never ever told me how 'he' was 'truly' feeling. He was always positive, there was no doubt that we would get through this. So we can't have kids, so we don't make love anymore, so we have a mortgage with only one income etc, etc etc so what! , we have each other, was my daily overall message. I felt very supported and loved.
He on the other hand I have since found out was feeling very alone and scared. Scared that he may lose his best friend, scared that she may find out he is just hanging in there, scared that knowing this may affect her recovery. His blood pressure was though the roof and he had daily head aches unbeknown to me. He didn't want me to be burdened with any additional worry. Of course I'm not blind and completely self absorbed. I suspected he was putting on a brave face despite our agreement. I would ring my brother or his sister and ask them to ring him to give his some support which they did. Looking back I was so amazed that a few (very few) of our friends and family rang me on almost a daily basis yet they rarely thought to ring him and offer him support. It was just expected of him to carry on regardless. We have since spoken to some friends and family and explained what it was like going through this experience and they all chorused 'you know you could have called if you needed help' or 'we didn't ring because we didn't know what to say' blah, blah, blah.
It's not every day that you are told that the person you love has a life threatening disease and has a 20% chance of survival (all going well), how hard is it to pick up the phone and offer a hand in friendship, send a card, anything!.
We are now both of a mind that we have been faced with a huge hurdle and we have ran, jumped and cleared it with flying colours and can now face anything together. We are still so much in love with each other despite the changes to my body and my nonexistent libido. Despite the things that he has seen and had to do that no husband should ever have to see or do (true test of in sickness and in health) and despite all we have lost materially. We have gained so much more, we now see our lives through different eyes. We live in the present and do the things we want to do with each other. We talk to each other freely and openly and share our dreams and fears. We appreciate everything we have and every day we have together. Life is simply sweeter.
--Sue
