Many women find it extremely difficult telling the people around them that they have secondary breast cancer. It may be difficult to explain what secondary breast cancer is, and your news will have an emotional impact on them too. Many women struggle to deal with the emotional responses of others as well as their own during this time.
Partners
Many women with secondary breast cancer worry about their partners' response to their illness. Partners can be as overwhelmed as the woman with secondary breast cancer. They often feel they cannot express their emotions for fear of upsetting the woman they love. Partners often feel they need to be strong and may become distressed as they cannot 'fix' the situation.
Living with a life-limiting illness can either bring couples closer or drive them apart. Emotions are complex for both parties. Intimacy can become difficult due to reduced sexual confidence, a lowered libido and tiredness. Most women find that, although often difficult, speaking openly helps their relationships during this time. Many partners benefit from speaking to someone, such as cancer nurse at the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 or a counsellor.
See the Family and friends page for further information related to male and female partners of women with secondary breast cancer.
Children
It is tempting to feel that keeping the diagnosis a secret from children will protect them from worry. Children are intuitive and may fear the worst if they do not know the real situation. Information should be adapted to children's age and maturity.
The page on telling your children has more useful information, and the Hope & Hurdles pack explains how children's age relates to their likely response to cancer in the family.
Family and friends
Talking about secondary breast cancer with family and friends is not easy. You may want to talk about different things with different people. Some people may not know what to say or feel afraid of upsetting you. They may not know how you are feeling or whether you want to discuss it. Try to tell them how you feel and what you need from them.
"Talk about your condition and how you feel openly with friends and family. They will react to your lead. If you are silent, so will they be." --Irene
Women find it useful to share BCNA's brochure 'She has secondary breast cancer - how can I support her' with family and friends. It describes secondary breast cancer and some of the feelings that you and your loved ones may be going through. It also offers them ideas on ways they can support you as well as useful resources to help them during this time.
"It's a terrible thing to happen but if people ignore it you feel worse - more isolated" --Jan
When others say the 'wrong thing'
Often people have no idea what to say for fear of saying 'the wrong thing'. This might seem like they're withdrawing and can be hurtful.
While people generally mean well, some tend to offer unrealistic and sometimes unhelpful opinions, ideas and suggestions that can be frustrating and sometimes even distressing. People might offer women advice on how they should or shouldn't live their life, such as suggesting dramatic changes to diet and lifestyle.
The constant message from others to 'be positive' can also be quite exasperating. Those who offer information about the latest treatment or cure may not realise that it is generally not helpful.
"Slap anyone who says 'be positive'. That's their reality, not yours." --Judy
"Please don't share every invention and cancer cure you're seen on TV, read in a magazine or newspaper - I don't want to know". --Helen
People's responses and reactions are usually driven by concern about what's going to happen and fearing they might lose you. Being clear with them about how you feel, and the conversations that help and don't help you, can help others know what's appropriate.
More information
- BCNA's brochure 'She has secondary breast cancer - how can I support her' has useful information for partners, family and friends (downloadable from the Support page).
- Your partner can listen to the CD 'When the woman you love has advanced breast cancer' included in your Hope & Hurdles pack. You can also order it online or on 1800 624 973.
- The Inside Story issue 10 (Spring 2008) features articles and personal stories on the effects of secondary breast cancer on partners and others.
- The Beacon issue 44 (Spring 2008) and The Beacon issue 47 (Winter 2009) have articles and personal stories about the effect of breast cancer on partners and those around us.
- The Beacon issue 44 resources list is for supporting partners.
- BCNAs Partners Survey 2008 report includes quotes and tips from women.
- The Beacon issue 50 (Autumn 2010) has articles and personal stories about sexuality, intimacy, and relationships.
- Hope & Hurdles pack includes further information, resources and support for children.
- Family and friends can join our online network if they think that talking to others online and sharing experiences will help.
- The personal stories section includes stories written by partners, family members and friends, and lesbians who have experienced breast cancer.
