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Smiley_30's picture
Posted by Smiley_30 in Single Mums with Cancer, on 02 Oct 2011, 02:57PM

It still amazes me the strength women have!

OK, im puttng my self on that quote above. Its been just over 2years since my marriage ended leaving me to be responsible for our 2 girls, 8 and 2 at the time. For about 3 months after our seperation i was constantly calling/msg him to arrange times to see the girls,never did he call to make the plans! Then one day in January of 2010 it accured to me, that one of the things he said to me before we seperated was that he was sick of me telling him what to do...So i stopped trying to make the arrangements.

When i found out i had BC i thought about calling him, as for about 5 minutes i had the thought that i might die. THen i realised, he hasnt even tried to be part of the girls birthdays,Christmas/new years, Easter etc, happy celebrations, then why would i get him involved now?? So i didnt contact him, and asked those closest to me not to say anything if they saw him.

January was the last time we saw/spoke to him untill March of 2011. Just past 4 months since i had been diagnosed and surgery,And almost into Chemo #3. HE found out thru someone else that i had Breast Cancer. So i agreed to meet im for lunch, where he proceeded to tell me everything he has been doing. Before asking me about BC, and after all that, finally asking me about the girls. He proceeded to tell me he wanted to spend more time with us, espeially the girls, he said he was goin to try more etc...That was in March, i recieved the occasional msg to see how we were, but never asking to take the girls out or even to see them.

I had decided to never contact him etc. But then July/August things in my living enviornment were getting to hard and stressfull, that i decided i NEEDED to move on my own with the girls. I knew this would cause i huge financial burden but it would mean P & Q, and that is priceless...So in Early August i decided to make the call, and i called him! i told everything that was going on and that i needed his help, especially when i return to work (as i work weekends/nights, but i have ot been able to return yet).

He agreed to everything, but it was to the things i told him he needed to do. He has been helpfull, and has helped me fiancially. But, when it comes to being a father he just hasnt got the brains!!(thats to put it in one way)..

Today is Sunday 2/10/11 its a long w/end in Sydney, and im really feeling the fact that i havent had anytime to myself in years!!! I dont know what it is, could be the weather, and the fact that i dont have the money to go and do things freely.

So i messaged the girls dad, saying "you need to give me some time & u really need to spend some alone time with the girls and be a dad without me there or telling you what to do! I havent had time to myself in 10years" His reply,"i was going to take the girls out today, i have been sick all day, still not feeling well. Im hoping to feel better tomorrow so i can take them out.." My reply, "OK"(i was not Impressed) He then replied, "I hate bee sick, throwing up all night" My reply "Yes!! I fuly understand being sick, TRUST ME!! I had CANCER! I had surgery, 5 months of Chemo, i know what sick is! I know its not fun, but guess what, with all that i still had to be up at everyday at 7 to make sure the girls had everything they needed.."( i dont like playing the cancer card etc, but i was feeling frustrated)

No reply!

Its so frustrating being a single mother and going thru all these Cancer and emotional stuff! I am strong and have ben since i found out i had BC, i am fine with everything that has happened, but every now and then i have one of those days, where i want it to just be ME!! So i can have those hours to not have to be worried about the girls, where its just ME!!!

This is one of the reasons i have started this group, in hope to find other Single mums going thru this emotional rollercoaster! And we can help and support eachother...

 

Comments

Oh Sole

Leonie Moore's picture

I wish I lived just around the corner from you.  I would love to take your girls to the park etc just to give you some time.  I know I have been there.  I am so sorry that you have the "double whammy" - bc and single motherhood.  I know how hard it was just to be a single mother.  My two little girls were 6 and 9 when we were "thrown out onto the street" with nowhere to live and with just the clothes we salvaged.  I had a beaten up old station wagon and off we went.  I was 30 years old and totally devastated.  It nearly was the undoing of me BUT I became strong, worked, purchased my own home, worked, worked, worked, got sick, worked, got sick, worked , fought to get some justice, worked, had operations and all the time he and his "old tart" lived "the life of Riley".  He would only see the children when it suited him - when there was a touch footy carnival in town (he was heavily involved in this sport and lived a couple of hours away).  Once he hadn't seen the girls for 9 months.  My parents were wonderful but weren't in a financial situation to assist but were always "there" for me.  I felt like an outcast as all of my 4 sisters had "normal lives".  There was never any money for extras but somehow I would always find the extra when the girls needed something.  I even put them through a private girls school for secondary education.  I have never spoken to my ex husband since I left (I had to leave as we were living in a mine house).  All those years ago - it is nearly 25 years ago (21st Oct) - my girls were looked upon as "different"  in their new school but they were also told that they were little rich kids.  Little did people know how wrong they were.  I used to work fulltime all week , take in ironing from friends and also work as a Trades Assistant on weekends for a painter - just to be able to put food on the table and pay my bills.  It was tough times and I can remember the times when I was sick how difficult it was to still have to look after the children.  It is no mean feat and I emphasise with you.  I have loved seeing how happy you and your girls have been participating in the Apprentice series.  You deserve any bit of happiness you can gather.  Men can be so weak and need women to prop them up.  My now husband is wonderful - most of the time but he does need propping up too.  It took me a long time to find him and to accept him as a "keeper".  When I perused this reply, I realised that the only thing I can offer you is HOPE and STRENGTH that you can survive on your own as I did.  I never thought that I would ever reach the age of 55 and be able to access my superannuation  ($$$$$$ ) that would enable me some freedom and enjoy the "fruits" of my hard work - yes it was an endurance and hard labour sentence BUT because I had my girls I had the determination to continue no matter how difficult life was.  They are the love of my life and I can see that your two beautiful little ones are also yours.  Stay strong Sole and you don't know "what's around the corner".  My dear old friend used to tell me this all the time and I thought it was such "a bloody big corner".  When I was first diagnosed with BC back in Oct 2006 my 4 sisters said "You got this because you are the strongest and are able to deal with it".  Not sure what they said this time but I know that they all think I'm pretty tough.  Sending you a great big hug. XLeonie

Smiley_30's picture

Oh Leonie!!! You are SO BEAUTIFUL!!
Thank you so much...You amaze me so much and you are such an inspiration...
I know that everything will work out...And I know that it's because of the girls that I was driven to get thru this BC ordeal & come out a stronger and better woman and mother!!
I have been doing really well, but as I said it's one of those days, and this is why I LOVE BCNA!! instead of dwelling in the issue, I let vent and a few words can change the way I feel!!
Thank you so much
Xx

Hi Smiley

jo1234's picture

I wish i could help you too like leonie, but i'm too far away.

i had a similar life as you as my 15 year marriage ended when my three children were 3yrs, 8yrs, and 10yrs old. My children's father who i had been with since i was 15yrs old has only ever seen them once over the years which is really sad.  No matter how much i begged, screamed, took him to court it made no difference to him. It didn't matter that i was sick either, all it did was dig my hole deeper and made it harder on my children.

Yes it is very frustrating and lonely being a single mum  and very hard on you especially with BC.  One bit of advice i can pass onto you is move on and dont let him ruin the rest of your life.   It is very hard  but you have your beautiful girls to help you. Your girls will survive this time if you move in the right direction.

After years of fighting with him to see his kids and going through major depression myself, i decided i had to move on and  fight for myself. I  went back to Tec/tafe full time and got some qualifications behind me, then got a job and moved up the ladder into lower management. I Built my own home and brought up my children the best way i could with the love and support of my own family. It will be hard but you are strong and beautiful and have survived this far through this tough journey.

I decided not to settle with another man in my life while my children were young and at home. Now that my children have grown up and left home  I  do regret that decision i made so many years ago..I wish i had looked after myself too.  Be kind to yourself and  build a future with your girls and you. It is his loss if he chooses not to see his girls.  

All the best Cheers Jo

 

 

Smiley_30's picture

Thankyou so much for your replies!! I know that its because of my situation that i have coped so well emotionally with BC, really no room for anything else..I am responsible for this girls to become strong, smart, independant beautiful women!!

And knowing there are women that have done it, and are doing it solo and have succeeded by raising a wonderful family i know i can also do it! so thankyou so much for sharing your stories and inspiring me!!

To update you with the girls dad, didnt hear from him till Monday morning where he msg to say he was coming to pick them up. So he got to my place, and i got the girls ready and he took them to a movie. Not the greatest way to bond, but it got me a few hours to myself!! I felt a bit lost as to what i should do, house work, NO...Movie, NO...Call a friend, NO....I ended up sitting watching movies, going thru different websites, started reading a book!! Didnt even cook!! Very strange, but it was ME,MYSELF & I!!!

 

Smiley_30's picture

Thankyou so much for your replies!! I know that its because of my situation that i have coped so well emotionally with BC, really no room for anything else..I am responsible for this girls to become strong, smart, independant beautiful women!!

And knowing there are women that have done it, and are doing it solo and have succeeded by raising a wonderful family i know i can also do it! so thankyou so much for sharing your stories and inspiring me!!

To update you with the girls dad, didnt hear from him till Monday morning where he msg to say he was coming to pick them up. So he got to my place, and i got the girls ready and he took them to a movie. Not the greatest way to bond, but it got me a few hours to myself!! I felt a bit lost as to what i should do, house work, NO...Movie, NO...Call a friend, NO....I ended up sitting watching movies, going thru different websites, started reading a book!! Didnt even cook!! Very strange, but it was ME,MYSELF & I!!!

 

Single mum too

Deeay's picture

My girls were 7 and 8 when my husband and I separated. The hardest thing in the world was going to bed at night with no shoulder to cry on when I was first diagnosed with BC. I also hated getting up in the morning to drive kids to school feeling so sick. I had one doing her HSC. I felt so sad getting my own cup of tea each morning with breakfast and was aching for someone to ask me if I wanted something when the girls were at school and I was alone.

This time round with BC is easier as I have one working and one at Uni and they help more and have shared the load emotionally. Its never been easy, but I know I'm lucky as my girls were older that yours Soly. I've had about 12 years practice now and I love my single life
and freedom. Just sucks when you're sick!

May I recommend the Single With Children social group? You can google it.

Cheers,
Diane

new to the group

negbrasseur's picture

Hi girls,

I'm not sure if this post is still open. This is the first time I am using this forum. I am divorced, on my own for nearly 18 mths. I have two boys, aged 4 and 6. Only 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Triple zero negative, needing a mastectomy and anxillary clearance. I had my first (of 8) chemo's last week and it has wiped me out.

I'm scared and worried as I don't have any family here in Australia and the ex has moved 5 hours away and has no interest in his children apart from having them for the fun times like b'days and Christmas.

I am touched by your posts and it makes me feel a bit stronger and feeling less alone. I do have wonderful friends but yes it is lonely at night with no one to snuggle up to or just to take a decision on my behalf.

 

Keep strong, Nat

Support Groups

Deeay's picture

Nat, look on the BCNA website and join a support group. There are plenty of young Women's groups out there. I know of one at Parramatta and one at the SAN in Sydney. Where are you?

I found the support groups invaluable! No one else really understands.... I joined two!

Thanks Deeay

negbrasseur's picture

Hi Deeay,

I will thanks! I'm in Melbourne :-)

Regards Nat


Single Mums with Cancer

Single Mums with Cancer

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