‘Underneath my hat'
The place for our yearly holiday in August 2004 was Port Douglas and Palm Beach, Qld, for a month. My husband and I had a wonderful time there becoming very fit with walking, swimming and relaxing. We became tanned and looked quite good for a couple in their sixties. During our holiday, I bought a very spunky linen hat (as women do) that really didn't keep much sun off my face, but looked good and felt good. This hat came home with me.
On our return to Adelaide there was the usual two-yearly letter reminding me to have a mammogram, and this was done within two weeks of arriving home. Shortly after, I received a letter advising me to have further tests, where I learnt that there was cancer in my breast that had to be removed. Shock, horror and numbness set into every part of my body. I was very fit and healthy and not overweight at all, and didn't detect a lump in my breast but had dimpling underneath (which I thought my bra was causing). How could this be?
Cancer. What an insidious, creepy thing to happen to my body! My first thought, was oh no, I won't be able to go sea kayaking with my husband in the summer. We have two sea kayaks - mine has pink and purple stripes and silver stars on the bow and my husband's is red and yellow - and we were looking forward to another season of fun in them.
I shed a few tears in the surgeon's rooms but then immediately felt very angry that this disease would do such a thing to me. My husband was with me, hearing the same news. And then began the long, hard battle for both of us. Everything that occurred to my mind, body and soul was a violation underneath my hat following the diagnosis of breast cancer. This was a decimating experience.
I cannot over-stress, what a loving, kind, considerate, long suffering househusband I have by my side and the duties he carried out faithfully were more than should be asked of a person. We both have faith in God, and love Jesus, so our first action after the news, was to pray to God for His love and healing to cover us through this dark time. We got much comfort from lifting our eyes to a higher place to receive an inner peace to sustain us.
I had an appointment two days later with my surgeon. By 6 pm that evening, I'd had a lumpectomy with two lymph nodes being removed. So life was moving along very quickly. The amount of information we had to digest in such a short time was bewildering and very hard to come to terms with.
Whilst I was in hospital, I made my mind up about two things. One was that I was not going to be negative and only wanted positive people around me to fight this disfigurement that was happening to me. The other was that I was going to raise my bad arm as high as my good arm before I left hospital. I was constantly crawling up the wall in more ways than one, but mainly doing the exercise suggested, to get my arm moving again. By the time that I was released from hospital my arm was almost back to normal. I never suffered lymphoedema, so was very blessed about that. Ladies from the Zonta association kindly came to visit me in hospital bringing with them a beautifully wrapped present. They didn't tell me about the contents. On unwrapping the parcel, I found a horseshoe shape little pillow that was beautifully covered in blue satin with hand embroidered flowers on it. I thought ‘What a lovely back support,' and promptly began to use it for that. It wasn't until I was home in my own bed that I thought ‘Oh this lovely little pillow can support my breast when on my side in bed!'
I had chemotherapy and radiotherapy for six months, but it seemed an eternity. I could not conceive in my mind and emotions that my body was going to have to deal with such an onslaught. After coming to terms with it, I decided that the chemotherapy treatment was not going to beat me and depress me nor hold me down. Before each appointment I would dress smartly and wear my smart linen hat, and that helped me to stay positive.
After two chemo doses, my hair fell out into my hands whilst I was washing it. I felt like I was losing my best friend. My crown and glory wasn't there anymore. Who was I now? I had never seen myself with a bald head before. My husband comforted me and reminded me that he still loved me, although I surely didn't feel lovely at all. That morning we were dressing to attend our church, so I donned my linen hat, pinned a pretty sequin brooch to it and off we went, full of mixed emotions. That was the beginning of my journey underneath my hat. It was three-fold, as battles were going on all the time in my mind, body and soul. At this time prayer was urgent and continual every day; I trusted God to be faithful and heal my body through all this ravaging treatment. We both trusted Him and His word.
After the second treatment of chemotherapy and three days before the next administration of it, we took our kayaks to the beach and had a paddle together. I was a little slower than usual, but managed the whole exercise very well. Life looked a little brighter, until I was knocked down with another dose of chemotherapy. Our pretty rose coloured velvet lounge suite in the sunroom became a very close friend of mine as I spent a lot of time resting on it in that six months. All the time my husband was there being and doing everything for me. My one heartache was that my daughter, who lived on a farm a long way from Adelaide, couldn't visit very much. She had three little pre-school boys to look after. I missed that closeness of mother and daughter very much. Family and friends are what everyone needs for comfort and meeting our needs when we are sick.
During this surreal time, I had good support from a group of women who attended our church. Our group was called ‘The Ya Ya sisters' and we met in our home fortnightly. We had a lot of fun and laughter and they gave me love and support, over coffee and cakes. Even if I was too tired to make the morning tea, they would take charge of my kitchen and clean up afterwards. ‘Afterwards' is a word I hung onto with dear life; I looked forward to the afterwards of this entire trauma.
It is now May 2007 and I am healed with a healthy body that has put on a little weight. I now look at life in a different way. We want to make sure that we spend quality time with the people we love and with people that need help. In the meantime, we have become hospital chaplains, visiting patients in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, but that is another story.
Last updated August 2007
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