‘I feel different'
I am a survivor of breast cancer. But the journey definitely doesn't end after the treatment is finished. Everyday, when I look into the mirror, I am reminded of what I have been through.
I have had two mastectomies and two breast reconstructions. My right nipple was saved from my first mastectomy in May 2000. My left nipple was removed with my recurrence in May 2005. Although I now have two lovely firm breasts, I see a breast that isn't quite right and thus makes me feel that I'm ‘different'.
I mourn my old breasts. I want them back. My new breasts are cold. The doctor says this is because of the prostheses. They don't really warm up and so my breasts are always cold.
I know I should be so grateful that I am alive and healthy. Don't get me wrong. I definitely am. I love life and never take a day for granted. But losing any part of your body is hard, especially a part that makes you feel feminine and is part of being a woman.
Breast cancer can be scary. I am a very positive person. But sometimes I wonder if it's come back twice will it come back again? Is it already somewhere in my body, growing silently? Will I find it in time? Do you ever really survive cancer? You go through all the treatment and follow up but does it ever really leave you. How do you survive the thoughts that go on inside your head? You can think very positively, push it to the back of your mind, and even try to block it all out. But eventually it surfaces again and that is sometimes something that is really hard to deal with.
Last updated August 2007
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