 (full version)
Veronica Macaulay-Cross, Queensland
At the BCNA Summit in 2006, I spoke about living with advanced/secondary breast cancer and our Queensland Group for women with advanced/recurrent breast cancer. This group operates on supportive/expressive group therapy principles, is professionally facilitated and in part of my presentation I spoke about how group members deal or cope with the deaths of members. I used the example of how my good friend and group member, Lesley Wilder, prepared for her death, how she included us in the final part of her journey and how we coped after she had passed away. Now people have asked me to write about this for the Inside Story.
I first met Lesley Wilder in April 2001 when she joined and soon became a "linch-pin" of the group. Everyone loved Lesley. She was a warm, capable, caring and intelligent woman. If you want to know more about her you can read her stories in "Armed with Chocolate Frogs" which she contributed to in 2003. Lesley was determined to live life to the full despite a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer at age 46 years - 8 years after her primary diagnosis. We, the group members, shared some great years with Lesley, her husband, Clive and their blended families. These times included group meetings, coffee afternoons, social functions and a girl's weekend away. A group of us also attended the big BCNA conference in 2004 which included Lesley, despite the fact that she was becoming more unwell.
By February 2005 treatment was failing for Lesley and she spend 3 weeks in hospital. She was our "dragonfly queen" and I found a totally impractical but gorgeous evening bag of green satin with gold dragonflies and took it to her in hospital. She cracked a big smile and said"You know what this means. I'll have to get a whole new outfit!" Luckily a "stent" could be placed in Lesley's liver and she improved considerably for several months. I think she had some more chemotherapy but after a while Lesley was told that all treatment avenues had been exhausted and the cancer could not be slowed. She shared this information with us at group and told us she had a lot to do before she would be ready "to go".
Lesley was fantastic at crochet. Even when she was very unwell she could still crochet and found it soothing and satisfying. She crocheted items for soon to be born grandchildren and for friends. She made me a lovely scarf and TV rug. Every winter I snuggle into that rug and think fondly of Lesley. When it is my time to go, I will leave a note for the rug to be returned to her daughters. It will make a lovely bunny rug for one of their yet to be conceived children! She also went through her special belongings and made notes about what she wanted done with them or who she wanted them to go to. She spoke to family and friends about no more treatment, her impending death and that she had lead a satisfying life and what they meant to her. Even when facing death, she decided to concentrate of the positives!
Another thing Lesley did was take a lot of time and effort in arranging her own "Celebration of Life" funeral. She lived 3 houses down from a lovely church and she had attended a general cancer support group there and got to know the Minister. In that final year Lesley decided to take communion and I know it gave her strength. She chose the readings, the style of service, the music, hymns and songs. Her husband delivered the Eulogy and her children did readings but Lesley also wrote a "parting message" which was read by one of our group members, Fay. She encouraged us to wear our "Tickled pink" feather boas and bright colours to her service and her exit music was "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac!
Lesley's funeral was very special and you could feel her presence through the proceedings. One of the very special things was her coffin. This was the only thing she didn't get to arrange while she was living. It was on her list but she ran out of time. So her family - her husband, 3 daughters, 3 step-daughters and step-son all met at the funeral directors to pick the coffin. Lesley had said she wanted a nice light timber one! What should they see as soon as the entered but a brightly painted mauve/purple one - Lesley's favourite colour! The decision was made in an instant and they really believe Lesley was guiding their decision, as do I.
Another amazing thing Lesley did before she passed away was to attend group. She died on Thursday evening the 4th August 2005 and attended group in person on Tuesday afternoon 2nd August! Her daughter drove her and she climbed about 25 stairs to get to the room. When she first arrived she had to sit quietly and take some pain medication. After about 20 minutes Lesley spoke to us. She told us she wanted to come to group one last time and how much the group meant to her. She told us to keep the group going and it was vital for women like us to have the option of our group and she thanked us for our friendship. Inside Lesley's funeral service book she has the quote by Mahatma Ghandi "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will" Lesley certainly lived that in the months and weeks leading to her death.
On the Wednesday Lesley became very unwell and went to hospital in the afternoon. On Thursday she was unconscious but comfortable, surrounded by her loving family. I will always be grateful to them for including me and allowing me to visit on the Thursday. By 7pm Lesley passed into the next life.
Lesley Wilder left too many legacies for me to outline, but she set a magnificent example for group members and others on how to live and how to die. In 2006 some of us have been less well and we have shared our memories of Lesley - what she did and what she said and it give us peace and comfort. We miss our "dragonfly queen" but our lives are so much richer for having shared her friendship, her struggles and her triumphs!
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Legacies: How to live and how to die 
