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 Well, I am one year down the track with this cancer business and thought I would write about it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last January at 39 years old.
How do I feel now? Honestly…great. I just went through all the tests for the one-year mark and passed with flying colours. After five years they say you are in remission. I think we should get a certificate then. Only four more years to go to certificate time!
My scar has healed well and my surgeon glows with pride at his own skills when he looks at it. Unfortunately the wound still aches a bit. It is like a dull headache but in the breast. I get a bit sick of it and will be pleased when it has completely gone but it is a lot less painful now that it was. My arm still tingles all the time but I do believe it is dulling as well. It is just amazing how one can learn to live with constant pain.
Sometimes I can't believe it has been aching for a year. My pain is not even very bad … just naggy. I have a lot of admiration for those people who learn to live with constant strong pain. I have reached the stage now where I am not constantly thinking about cancer and I can hear the word without worrying I might start to cry. I have even been able to provide advice and support to two other people who have been diagnosed with cancer. I had a bad day on the anniversary of my finding out about the cancer and had to go home from work but mostly I am happy and well.
I look back on last year and simultaneously wonder if it were all a bad dream and marvel at how I got through it all. I can still look back and clearly see myself in those dreadful moments when I was first told I had cancer. I remember the shock and then crying all the way home. I can see my partner of 16 years and I walking around Sanctuary Cove that weekend trying to come to terms with it. I remember the fear and terror of the operation day and the confusion in the weeks that followed while we tried to understand what it all meant and decided on a course of treatment. It seems like such a long time ago and also yesterday. I remember going to the hospital every day for seven weeks of radiotherapy and really feeling uncomfortable. I also remember the love and support I received at this time from family, friends and strangers.
I feel happy again most of the time now. To be honest there were times last year when I felt quite depressed and wondered if I would ever be able to feel happy again. My mind is nearly as sharp as it was, except for my memory for names. Again, there were times last year when I doubted if my mind would ever be clear again and wondered if I would have to give up work. I also feel confident again and just this week spoke up a number of times at a meeting at work of 100 senior people. I look back in wonder to when I returned to work and felt unable to chair a meeting and had to ask one of my peers to do it. I don't know why getting cancer should affect one's general feelings of confidence. I have travelled on my own through out the world and felt confident and able to handle any situation. I have managed industrial disputes and very complex work situations with ease but I certainly lost my confidence when diagnosed with cancer. I guess it is because I was suddenly faced with something I couldn't control and I imagine that the stress of it all must also have affected my ability to think for a while.
In fact, I think as time goes on I will end up being even more confident and forthright than I was before the cancer. It's as if it frees you from worrying about silly things like what people think. It's like feeling 'Well I have had cancer and am coping very well …what people might think about something I say or do could not be any where near as bad'.
I meditated nearly every day of the year 2000 and continue to meditate about four times a week and still find it beneficial. I also take a heap of supplements. They cost a fortune so I do hope they are doing me some good. I appear to have got used to the tamoxifen drugs and don't have many side effects for me. I think I have started the menopause but every time I think I am having a hot flush my partner says he is having one too! So perhaps it's the weather rather than my body.
Some people ask if having cancer has changed how I see things and what I want to do. I think it has really only strengthened the feelings and ideas I already had. It has reinforced my feelings of love for my partner and family and appreciation of how important good friends are in my life. It has also strengthened my desire to treat people well, be extra friendly to the shy and aggressive ones and help those in need when I can. I like to be able to look back on each day as I drive home and see that I made a positive difference to someone's life, but then I always did.
I guess as the years roll on I will get stronger and healthier and feel differently about my cancer year. I look forward to a long and happy future.
Alexandrea Cannon, Queensland, diagnosed at age 39 in January 2000, writing in February 2001
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Alexandrea Cannon 
